Several weeks ago I wrote a post, late at night because I couldn't fall asleep and I was feeling sorry for myself. The following morning I felt uneasy about it, so quickly deleted it. Some of you may have still read it through Google Reader.
It went a little something like this:
Warning: this post contains personal whinery and has no pictures. Viewer discretion is advised.
I've been thinking.
Bad. I know. (why don't you just be smart and STOP thinking, Chablis)
Here comes the serious part:
My personal, inner self life is crashing and crumbling. You may be thinking, "Oh no! Something serious has happened! Did her husband die? Are her children sick?" No. My life is wonderful. More wonderful than I deserve. You see, I have a very bad case of "keeping up with the Jones'" in a sort of sense. I don't have any idea where I got this notion inside of me but it goes something like this:
"If I don't have all the external stuff all together, meaning, if I don't look pretty and my house doesn't make an impression on people, and if my children aren't dressed well, and I'm not being creative and strutting my hostess skills around and baking and cooking for the neighborhood, then...well...what the heck do I have to give to others so that they'll like me?"
There are too many external forces binding me up to be able to uphold all of these social checkpoints I have in my head. RA is a big binder. My lack of financial and caloric restraint are also finding their stringy ways around my hands as well.
I'm finding I can't keep up the important spiritual aspects, prioritizing of my family and such, AND all the other stuff too and make it all work. Something's gotta give.
I suppose you could say I'm being forced into a redirection of my energies. I'm not sure how to go about my new life without all the busy-ness (aka: shopping at Target) and "prettiness". I'm pretty sure I'm being flagged down from above in an effort to grow in my testimony and redirect my focus into my children. I know this, but can I do it?
I'm not sure where to go from here, and I'm not sure how this blog may suffer (heaven knows it's been suffering for the last year). A part of me wants to just get rid of the blog to end it's poor suffering and help me keep focus. Another part of me can't quite let it go.
Silly, right? I think it's an all too common theme for women. Especially stay-at-home-moms. And you all can vouch for my excessive complaining and whining about my RA.
Well, I've changed my attitude. Thanks to some help from a few fabulous books written by Carol Tuttle. I AM enough. I am happy and I love my family and my friends. I am blessed with a fabulous body that does what I need it to.
There are a certain few people whom I adore, but never felt good enough for. I'm so happy these people are so talented and blessed. I don't need their affirmations to be whole. I love me because God created me, and he doesn't make mistakes!
My blogging has suffered for a long time. I used to blog because I felt I needed the support and affirmations from the comments. I used to find things to blog about that would bring positive comments to lift me up. But I've realized that this was a very unhealthy relationship with blogging which is why I've disabled the comments.
I have no idea where my new found attitude will take me with blogging. I may forget about it completely. Of course, I will never stop looking at all of your dear blogs! I LOVE them. Who knows if I'll have anything interesting to blog about and who knows if I care to plug it in, even if I do have something interesting! It doesn't matter because I don't assess my worth through this blog anymore.
I love you all! Thank you for your support and love. Especially to those of you who took the time to email me from concern for the changes on the blog! I am so grateful for you.
