I never wanted to be that kind of blog.
I can't stand reading other peoples whining ...and I need pictures.
For real.
So, it's okay if you just skim this or skip out all together.
Let me just lay it out for you.
I have no creative drive lately. This week I have been remarkably sick and therefore have been zapped of any sort of energy.
I'm still constantly debating weather to go to Utah during Scott's deployment or stay here. The logic in my brain is SCREAMING at me constantly....telling me that I can't do it by myself. I need family with me...not near me, but in the same home.
Yet I still can't shake these teeny, tiny promptings from God that I should stay. Do you see the extremes here? Logic is SCREAMING and God is prompting in very small ways.
As I was in a very sacred place last night surrounded by the best of friends I prayed. I prayed hard and felt very strongly that God wants me to have faith in Him and know that He will carry me through.
I do have faith in Him. However, I'm struggling connecting my faith in Him and my faith in me and my ability to open myself up to Him enough to let him carry me through.
My doubt seems to be taking me over physically, emotionally, and spiritually at the moment.
I'm thinking about Scott being gone con. stant. ly. At every family dinner or a helpful moment from him I'm wondering what I would be doing if he were gone already, how would I be handling this moment. Moments like tonight when Henry had been crying and pulling at me for an hour, I feel drained, congested and sleepy, so Scott took him to the library so I could make dinner. Ah, relief. That, however, will not be available while he is gone.
I think I know where all the doubt and negative thoughts are coming from (satan) but it's hard to rebuttal when I've been without Scott before and would have been utterly hopeless without my family. I know how I handle single parenthood from experience. What makes this time different?
I'm convinced that Heavenly Father is giving me this opportunity because I'm not the greatest of mothers and I need something like this to force me into a place where I can be pushed and molded into one of "those" moms. Probably just (satan) again, but I think that if I can master motherhood right now, then maybe Heavenly Father will spare me.
I know, life doesn't work that way.
There is also a small place in my heart that has hope for a miracle. There is a slight possibility that Scott may not have to go and his co-worker could take his place. This is a one in a million chance, but the possibility is there. I'm praying for a miracle while at the same time praying for faith in God's will....
and some freakish streak of independence.
8 comments:
I love you Chablis! I am teary eyed as I read and try to relate to your emotions. You are STRONG and Heavenly Father will guide. You will be loved, watched over, and NOT alone wherever you decide is best. I am sorry for this trial. It is tough! ALL MY LOVE! XOXO
His will will be done. And it will be the best thing for that time. I love you. God loves you, more than you could ever comprehend. And He loves your family the same. It will work out right.
Maybe try to relax for a day. Try not to worry about it. Clear your head. Maybe that will help. :)
I know you will be able to survive no matter what happens. You are stronger than you think you are. I have discovered that in myself with Erik being gone all the time for work. It is very hard, and there will be some days when you think you can't do it, but then bedtime comes and you'll get your break and start to feel better. Love ya, Chablis.
I'm sorry you're in such disaray. I don't know what your talking about when you say your not like "those mothers" I don't know what that means, but I know you are a very good mother just as you are. I agree with what the others said, you have to make the decision that you feel good about. just know that we love you and we will support whatever decision you make, and we are praying for you! Love you!
You are a wonderful mother and I know if you stayed you would realize that. You are so much stronger than you think and don't give yourself enough credit. You need to stay here and we will all help you with your kids! I can't imagine the perril you are going through because I have never been without my husband for longer than a month, but we are here for you.
Chablis, don't feel bad about sharing. We all care about you and care about what's on your heart! You're in our prayers, and God will do good things in you through this tough journey. I wish so often that life didn't have to be so hard... Love you lots!
Ok, so I feel the need to give you a reality check. Often times when we worry we become unrealistic in our thoughts. So to remind you and get you back to reality here are some points to remind you of:
A) You are a fabulous mother!! Dave and I were sad when we had to move so far away because we would have loved to have you help us raise our kids. You have great talents and abilities NOW that you have already been using and already been molded into a fantastic mother!
B) I think you are also a woman of great faith. You have been steady in seeking guidance from Heavenly Father and have practiced acting on his promptings. That practice will help you now as you decide what is best for you at this point in your life; despite what was best for you at other points in your life. Think of your needs now.
C) Lastly, doubt. Oh, what an exhausting thing doubt is. It is draining as you describe. I would advise you to write down your thoughts for the next few days; your thoughts of going vs. staying. Then in another week read them again and see if your thoughts have changed or not. Maybe that would help you put it aside for a few days and let the anguish be put aside for awhile. Then, after a few days, read your pros and cons list and see what sticks out.
There, that's my two cents (more likely 600 cents too much) but hope that helps. But it's all in love!
Post a Comment